Tinder To Turmoil

Have I got a story for you guys!

So, I was seeing this girl for a while, lovely lass… or at least I thought so at the time. Unfortunately, her personality ended up being as fake as her breasts. Quite disappointing actually (That sounds a bit harsh, she wasn’t actually that bad, just questionable!).

I met this gal (who I shall keep anonymous) on Tinder (A social dating app, for those who aren’t already aware! or at least that’s what I used it for).

She told me it was her first day on the app and I was one of her earlier matches. So of course, me being the young buck I am, I decided to cash in on this opportunity and treat her to a lovely conversation full of banter and laughs, with the hopes of a cheeky date eventuating from our conversation. I mean she was stunning, well at least her photos did her justice.

Anyway, we get chatting and what not, we start discussing each other’s hobbies/lives ( A bit of small talk to kick start the conversation). You know the basic stuff you do when you’re on apps like that.

It’s now two days since we’ve matched and the conversation is flowing, banter is accumulating and content starts to pick up. Of course, me being the fast worker I am, I ask for her Snapchat (A social picture sharing app, again for those who aren’t already aware). For me I like having some visuals because it makes the conversation flow a lot easier knowing I’m not being catfished!

I proceeded to ask her what her plans were for the night, and she responds with and I quote “Getting some dick and wine”. Now I was a little thrown off by this. What could she have possibly meant? I had to satisfy my curiosity, with a follow-up question… “What do you mean by dick and wine, are you on a date?”. She replies with “Yes”.

Now that’s a little weird to be telling me considering…

A. We met on Tinder and,

B. We’ve only been chatting for two days.

However, I’m still confused by this ‘dick’ comment. I proceeded to prod deeper. (No pun intended). I ask her “What do you mean by dick? Is the guy a dick or… are you getting some?”. To which she replies with “I’m getting some”. She then proceeds to tell me her evening and how it went (Like I needed to know right?). “It was so casual, we started off with dinner and a few wines, next thing you know, we’re having sex. He didn’t make me orgasm which was disappointing, but I had fun”. WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. Stop the track!


Like I needed to know all of this right, considering we have only just met. I guess she was just being open… Considering I was trying to tune her, with the possibility of a date on the horizon. I don’t know why she felt the need to tell me that she was porking another fella!

You’d think naturally I would have red flagged her, called it quits and be on my merry way? WRONG!.. for some reason I kept talking to her (I’m a fool I know, I’m in for it I know).

[“She” is starting to sound too repetitive in this story, so we’ll call her April for now].

Anyway, a couple weeks pass of back and forth chatting before we go on our first date. I  decided to pick her up for dinner. April then tells me that her friends are going out that night (it’s a Saturday) so we can hang out with them after. I was like yeah sure, I’m down. So, we had dinner, which was very nice actually, the food was amazing and April was decent company. We finished dinner with a couple hours to burn, before her friends would be out and about, so we decided to be a little spontaneous and go the cinemas, as it was pretty much around the corner from where we were (Convenient I know). Guys, you always have to think ahead!). So, we head into the movies and there’s only one film on at that time… LION!!! I know what you’re thinking, oh gosh, don’t do it! But we did! We bought a couple tickets and headed inside. Not a dry eye in the cinema, beautiful movie. I was even about to shed a tear, however I stayed composed. My date however, she was balling her eyes out (probably not the best choice for a first date, as all I saw were tear tracks parting her make-up, like Moses parted the seas. Ladies you know what I’m talking about!). Luckily your boy was prepared with some tissues and a shoulder for her to cry on (I know what a sweetheart)

Movie finishes, April gets cleaned up, dries out her shirt from all the tears and we head out to go clubbing with her friends. I’m not usually a guy to dive head first into meeting a lady’s girlfriends especially on the first date, but the date was going well so I said stuff it! We headed out to a bar, met her friends (was a little awkward) however I played it off cool. Well at least they thought I was a half decent guy… I remember her telling me as we’re walking into the bar “Get ready to meet some really hot girls…” and she was not wrong. All her friends were 9/10s on looks alone. I’ve never liked the number 9 more in my life… You get the point though, she’s attractive and so were her friends, so instantly I felt more attractive. Weird I know! What was even more weird, is that the gals that were 8/10-9.9/10 usually palm me off (There’s no such thing as a 10, nobody is perfect), however that night they started to give me the eye and I felt it was to do with the crowd I was with. Both guys and girls were rather attractive so they must have thought I was one of them.

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Anyway, it’s getting late all her friends are leaving so I’m like yeah, we should get you home too, I guess… so we walk back to my car, sit inside and start talking. One thing led to another and we’re kissing in my car on the side of a main street (risky I know, but to heck with it, I was feeling rebellious!). We start making out, the windows start to fog, it was getting real steamy. I was like we should probably get out of here, don’t want to be giving a public show. I drive April back to her house, park outside and we start making out again. This time a bit of progress, things get a little steamier and boom off comes her top. I had never seen fake breasts before, it was a first for me, so I started studying them like a mad scientist. She asks “Have you felt fake boobs before?” To which I respond with a silent head-shake, followed by a “Hell no!”. April asks me to cup them, which of course I do (CA-CHING!) and I start weighing them, bouncing them, observing them like I’ve discovered a new species! I felt like a little boy at this moment, who had just receive a toy and was wondering how to use it!

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I’d always been a fan of fake breasts, until that point. I mean they look good, but they just don’t feel good (know what I mean?) they just felt like plastic, no real life to them. Good to look at, don’t get me wrong, but not so much to feel.

Anyway, so I ticked that off my list! We’re still kissing, windows are still fogged. We’d been parked outside her house for 2 hours, talking, kissing, and what not, and then she decides to leave me with donuts and go inside. Weird I know, considering she banged another guy on her first date, but hey I wasn’t mad. I mean she gave off a nice impression from our first date, we had fun, and she was good looking so I went home chuffed even though I had been pied. I had a feeling we’d be seeing each other more. (At this point you’re either thinking Awwwwwww, or you’re still thinking why would you keep trying after her initial remarks…)

So, we hang out again, a week later. (She had a very demanding job, which required most of her time during the week, or at least that’s what I had been told). She plans this date out and we go to the food markets. We have a fun time, just hanging out, you know doing things that young people do on dates. (By the way I forgot to mention, April had told me, that in December she had broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years. We started dating late January). You think that would have been another sign.

I was saying we were at the food markets and we had a nice time. The date ends, so we head back to my place. She stays the night and it turned R18+. Again, the fakes were good to look at but they were just not doing it for me, anyway I proceeded to continue like a champ. Don’t worry she enjoyed herself more than once if you know what I mean, and the same for me. It’s the morning, time for her to leave, I kiss her goodbye in the morning, wish her a lovely day like the cute guy I am and off she goes.

Later we then discuss how we would like to continue this relationship, whether we’d like to be friends with benefits, friends, more of a one-night thing or something like a casual booty call. Of course, I give her the option cause I’m easy going and don’t mind, and April states that she’d like to be a casual booty call. (Right on! I’m thinking). A week passes, and I give her a buzz, but she wants to spend the weekend with her girls as she said she hadn’t for a while. I respected that, let her have her space and her fun, that’s all good! Another week passes and it’s the weekend again, so Buzzzzzzzz!

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There I am again wondering if she would like to hang out with me, maybe even go clubbing with my friends and I (Cause i’m treating this more like a friends with benefit kind of thing, because I’d still like to get to know her better. A casual booty call just feels like a weird concept to me. You just call whenever you want a session. You meet up, have your session and don’t talk to each other again until you want another one. I don’t like to roll like that, but hay props if you do!)

Back to the story, so April said she wanted to see me. An hour later she then said she didn’t want to go out unless her friends came out with her. Of course with my luck they all bailed on her. Two hours later after I asked if she wanted to see me after clubbing, she then proceeds to tell me that her “She’s having a dick free weekend” and that her “pussy isn’t free for whenever I want it”. I was like um WTF!? Are you serious, you’re giving me this shit right now? Firstly I didn’t ask if you wanted to have a session, I asked if you wanted to hang out. Secondly, What’s with the sudden attitude? But I was like “Okay” so I leave it at that, and don’t talk to her. That comment down right pissed me off for multiple reasons, so I thought best to let myself cool off and enjoy my night with the guys.

So, weeks pass after that and I finally decide to talk it out with her, and find out what’s going on now. I ask “are we even going to see each other again?”. To which April replies “I don’t know, I was thinking about it, but you were really immature last time we spoke”. Boyyyyyy, I snapped! Oh My! I unleashed a wrath of fury upon her, just unloaded words, big words, words from my extensive vocabulary, words that I didn’t even I understand. Words like ‘Benightedness’.giphy (3).gif

Anyway, I give her the full treatment, because this thing that we had was super one-way. I was always making the effort and she’d hardly lift a finger (don’t you hate that). I mean she wants one thing but means another. Super confusing. What’s the point of telling me that you want to see me in a casual sense, let alone as something sexual, and then go on to having a go at me for asking us to hang out? What a drag…

So I ended things with her in this discussion and we parted ways. Probably shouldn’t have even gotten myself involved after her first remarks within two days of chatting with her, but anyway you live and learn. Well at least I feel like I have. Moral of the story don’t date woman from tinder, they’ll break your bank and break your heart…

I’m just kidding, seriously though, moral of the story for me, somehow is that if you’re feeling like you’re using all your energy and time to try and make things work, however your input isn’t reciprocated by the other party, and you’re not getting much satisfaction out of it. You should probably consider your options. I should have listened to my earlier thoughts and ran… but as I said, you live and you learn.

Hopefully I haven’t bored you with my story!

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