Commitment

Commitment is a word that I have struggled to implement in my life, in the past, and something I’d like to overcome for the future.

At the start of Year 10, was when I had my first relationship. It was with a lovely girl named Ashleigh, who my friend Saphron organised. It was nice. We did things young couples did (except for kiss), however we only lasted 2 weeks. Ashleigh decided to end things. She disappeared, as we never talked to each other again after that. I was hurt by this because I had no idea why it ended. To me, it seemed like we got along well, and I couldn’t find any answers as to why she dumped me.

We’re skipping to year 11 now. Shannon. The Scottish beauty. Beach blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, amazing frame, and a very intoxicating smile. She had just moved from Scotland to Perth, and I met her at the bus station as we were waiting for our bus to school. We started conversing and as the weeks had passed, we became better friends. I didn’t want to live my life in the friendzone. When Valentine’s day came around, I bought her flowers and asked her to be my girlfriend. To my surprise, she said yes, and I couldn’t fathom how I had just scored myself a straight 9! My friends couldn’t either. I was punching above my weight (No-one gets a 10 because no-one is perfect!). What I didn’t know when I asked her to be my girlfriend, was that at the time she was also talking to another guy (who was older than me). He had feelings for her as well. I remember him stating that I “snaked her” from him, and that he wanted to “beat me up” because of it (he was learning MMA). I didn’t really care what he had to say, because the way I looked at it was that Shannon had a choice and unfortunately, she didn’t pick you buddy. Anyway 10 days passed and Shannon decided to break-up with me because of this other guy and because she found it ‘too hard’ as she wanted to concentrate on her exams. That was a total load of bullshit and I knew it, so I just let it be and moved on.

We’re now half way through year 11. I had been friends with this girl for years, however it was only until she sat next to me in Physics, that I started to realise our potential. Her name’s Jessica. I still have a soft spot for her, if I’m totally honest. Sitting next to her made me realise how beautiful she was, well still is. Her bubbly personality that could make any heart melt. Her smile that could light up any day. Her ability to always wear a smile on her face no matter the occasion. When she found something funny she’d scrunch her nose, and give out this beautiful laugh. I’d try to make her laugh all the time just so I could see her do this. I was lucky that she found most things humourous. I was infatuated, she was intoxicating. Up to that date she was the only girl that I had met that had True Beauty, where she was equally as beautiful on the outside as she was on the inside. I call her a unicorn, because they’re rare to find but once you do, boy are they worth it. I liked her a lot! (when I say a lot, let’s put this in to perspective on a scale of 1 to 10. I liked her so much that it was a strong 9.99999 recurring)

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I asked her out before our sports carnival, and she said yes! I was elated by this, I mean it’s not often you date a unicorn!! Unfortunately though, we lasted 4 days. Jess broke it off, saying it wasn’t something she wanted, and that it was best for us to stay friends. I was upset by this, but I stuck to it and stayed in that hellish friendzone, even though I still had a soft spot for her. I asked her to accompany me to the yr12 ball, and to my surprise she said yes. When I saw her, in her sparkling blue dress at the pre-ball, I thought to myself “I’m the luckiest guy here” even though we weren’t in a relationship, at least for that day I felt as if we were. It’s a memory that will stick with me forever.

Yr12 is where I met my first official girlfriend. I say ‘official’, because up until that date, my longest relationship lasted 2 weeks. I was at my friend’s birthday party, I think it was his 18th and he had an empty house so why not party? We arrived at the party and instantly, Jessica (a different one from my ball date) caught my eye. Another blonde, with a beautiful smile. I guess you’re starting to know my type of woman now. I tend to be a good judge of character when I first see/meet someone. I always go for the ones with a beautiful smile and beautiful personality. It works hand in hand, as I think I’m reasonably humourous, so I love it when I see someone smile, and if they’re equally as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside, my heart melts, and I have get to know them!

Jess was one of the host’s guests. I couldn’t take my eyes off her the whole night, however I was too shy, so I didn’t muster up the courage to start a conversation. The night ended and I missed my chance. Angry at myself I asked her name from my friend, and added her on Facebook. We started conversing and everything just flowed so naturally. Within 2 weeks we were on our dates, going to different places, seeing different things. It may have happened a bit fast, however at the time it felt natural, so we went with it. After 2 weeks of dating I asked her to be my girlfriend, and Jess said yes. We dated each other for a little over 3 weeks. I noticed things were getting a lot more serious, and I started to notice how little we had in common. Yes, we had a good time around each other, but I didn’t find much that we had to relate, besides the fact that we both loved AFL and a few other things. I felt I liked her more on a sexual level than an emotional level. I decided to break things off. We continued to see each other for another 3 weeks after that, until I ended that as well because I could tell I wasn’t going to shift back into a relationship mindset. Unfortunately, that broke her heart as well as mine. Watching a woman cry because of your actions, is the worse feeling ever, and makes you feel like absolute trash. Which is exactly how I felt. We didn’t end on good terms, as she started hanging out with a close friend a week after we broke it off and they started dating, which added salt to my wounds. Jess and I hardly spoke afterwards.

From the years of me being 17 to 21. I started to enjoy the single life, without venturing in to the relationship side of things. When I’d date a woman, I’d be honest with them and tell them on the second date, that I’m not really looking for anything serious. They’d have the choice to either continue seeing me or kick me to the curb. When they continued to date me, it often turned in to a sexual relationship, where we’d be friends with benefits. Before we’d even get to that stage I’d tell them “Are you sure you want to do this? I don’t want you to get attached because I’ll only break your heart. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment”. (I think this is what people call a ‘fuckboy’ these days). They’d assure me that they weren’t looking for a relationship either. In most cases, I found that they were getting attached, and a bit too quickly, so I had to end things prematurely with a lot of women I dated, because I didn’t want to take that extra step. I wasn’t ready to commit. This ended up in me breaking a lot of hearts. I remember with one of the girls, Shonique, I was dropping her home. We were in my car and I started telling her how I noticed her becoming attached and I knew the more we hung out the worse it would have become, and the more heartbreak she would have felt. I could see tears rolling down her cheeks and I felt like total trash once again. What was worse, was that ‘Led Zeppelin – Babe I’m going to leave you’, started playing. For those of you who don’t know the lyrics of the song go like this. “babe, baby, baby, I’m gonna leave you. I said baby, you know I’m gonna leave you. I’ll leave you in the summertime. Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin. Leave you when the summer comes along.”

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Just a case of bad timing. I was thinking, shit this is awkward, just makes this whole break-up worse. We weren’t even in a relationship so It shouldn’t have felt like a break-up. We’d only been seeing each other for 4 weeks as well so it shouldn’t have felt that bad. It did however, all because I couldn’t commit!

There are not many things I regret and I don’t like saying regret because I believe everything happens for a reason, however I felt I could have handle things better with two females in particular. The first was Alicia. I met her on Tinder during the early days when people frequently used the application. We started conversing, progressing to Facebook and that was as far as we got. A month or two passes and we start talking again. I remember the first time I heard her voice. It was at 2am in the morning, I was drunk standing outside a kebab shop and she was drunk getting a lift home. The conversation lasted almost an hour. It just felt right! We decided to go on a date after that. We went to the beach, had some food, sat on the grass watching the waves crash on the shore as the sun was setting. It was quite picturesque. That was where we had our first kiss. I just couldn’t stop looking at her, I couldn’t stop smiling. Her personality was gold. There more I got to know her the more I liked her. A relationship was still a scary concept for me, so I stayed quite guarded. As much as I wanted to fully open myself to her and just fall in, commitment was playing on my mind. We had been seeing each other for a couple months and everything was great, however I screwed everything. I said to her that I wasn’t ready to commit, that I wasn’t ready to take it further. Because of this we grew distant, and it’s a shame. A still have her on snapchat because when I look at her name, it reminds me of the fun times we shared and makes me think about what could have been, if I had just let go.

Another gal that caught my heart was discussed in my blog ‘Closure’. It all started when I met her at Jack Rabbit Slims (a nightclub) earlier in 2016. She was absolutely gorgeous, well still is. You know when you’re in a room full of people, and when you see that one girl, everybody else just disappears and all your focus is on her. That’s exactly what happened. So, drunk Ryan couldn’t pass on this opportunity, I had to get to know her. We started conversing, laughing, drinking, everything was going well. Started dancing and the next thing we’re kissing, so I got her to give me her Facebook before I left and we went our separate ways. Messaged her on Facebook, only to find out that she didn’t want to go on a date with me as she was kind of seeing someone at the time. A little cut by this, however I told her no problem and we didn’t communicate again. 8 months after that, for some reason I decide to message her again to see what she was doing. We started conversing again. She was single now.

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I ask her on a date, where we were going to go out for dinner. She was with her work friends the night before and asked me if I wanted to join them, to which I did and we’re all partying, dancing together. Everything felt like that night in Jack Rabbits. Like our chemistry never left and we just picked up where we left off. Anyway, we started dating and got along very easily, smooth sailing. The more we dated, the more serious things got and we were at the 7-week mark. It was time for some crucial decisions because we couldn’t just date forever. I hesitated, as commitment still scared me. I didn’t know if I was ready. We hadn’t seen each other for a little over a week now, however we had been talking. It’s after new year’s and I tell her that I have no idea what I want but I was willing to give it a try, however it was all a little too late as someone else beat me to it. This hurt a lot, as I was willing to look past my commitment issues and give us a try, and when I finally decided to do this, time was my enemy, and kicked me to the curb. Just a case of indecisions and bad timing on my behalf. It’s been 3 months since that happened. Unfortunately, the gal and myself haven’t been in touch as much as we were back then. I feel it may be a little awkward now, given the events that occurred. We do talk every now and then, but it’s obvious that the dynamic has changed.

Due to my string of little relationships and constant rejection that is most likely due to my inability to make the right decisions when ‘falling for someone’, I have been single for the past 5 years. Although I have been seeing/dating people on and off throughout those years, I’ve never stuck long enough with someone for it to become anything serious. I guess that’s because I’m trying to save myself from rejection in case it went down that path, I’m not 100% sure why. I say I’d like to find someone and settle down with them and have a nice loving relationship, like the ones you see in the films, however when I find someone I can potentially become in a serious relationship with, I freeze and don’t know what to do. I feel as though commitment scares me, and I’ve become so used to the single life that it is becoming harder to transition from it. That scares me also, because I don’t want to be that type of guy. When I finally thought, I was ready to commit, I wasn’t. Maybe that was a sign that I wasn’t ready. I don’t know. All I know, is now that I’m more mature, I am ready to try!

Thanks again for taking the time to read my posts. You are all wonderful people, and I really appreciate you reading my stories. I hope you have a lovely and enjoyable day! As well as you enjoying today, make someone else’s. Much love!

 

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